I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize
