Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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