The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
