He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
