You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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