I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
It was like getting head from an anaconda
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
