He told me they were just razor bumps!
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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