I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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