some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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