Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
