U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
