Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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