Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
