I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So vagazzling was a success
Who put my cat in the fridge?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
