it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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