You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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