Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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