My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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