threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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