I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
