Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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