well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
just tell him i said nine months
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
