my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
