My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
