I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
