in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
