remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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