At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
