When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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