I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize