I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
