I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize