Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
if only i could text you this smell
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
