If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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