Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
