My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She bit a glass in half.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
