happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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