Umm I'm too high to move.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
