Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
