in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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