I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
