apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
