i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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