If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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