Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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