they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
