there's paper in my vomit.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
