I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize