i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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