I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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