Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
