I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize