Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
