I wanna bring you to show and tell
The maid of honor just puked.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
