I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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