I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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