I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
