do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
