Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
