I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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