Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize