Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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