You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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