i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
im about as happy as oj after his trial
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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